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Billy Graham arrived at an airport and an escorted limo pulled up to the plane. Graham starts to get in the limo, but walks forward to check out the motorcycle up front. You know I’ve seen you guys lead the way all my life and thought what a thrill it must be. For once in my life before I go on to meet my maker I’d just love to ride one of these Harleys and lead the way my self. After all I figure that if they had motorcycles back in the biblical days folks like John the Baptist would have been a biker and rode a Harley. Can I do it just this one time? Well sure Rev. Graham – I guess so. He shows Graham how to get it started, shift gears and all, then got in the limo and off they went. Rev. Graham gets into it real good and twisted the throttle big time. He was having a ball! Sure enough a cop clocked him speeding down the road and pulled them over. Upon checking his license the cop says…sorry Mr. Graham I’ve got to call this in to my sergeant. On the radio he explains that he has pulled over a very important person and doesn’t know the protocol for dealing with it. The Sergeant asked…is it the mayor? No – more important than that! Is it the Governor? No much more important! Well is it the PRESIDENT! Even more important for sure! Well who in the heck is it? I think it is GOD! That’s crazy…what makes you think it’s God? “WELL BILLY GRAHAM IS ESCORTING HIM!!!”
KEVIN, our BTG England group leader reports that this year's MAYDAY RUN was a little dampened by wind and rain (Well dugh - it's England) and only about 3000 bikers showed up. But he says the good news was a Boozefighter from the USA won the pin for the longest ride. Said it must have been a Boozefighter because he was ridding a green bike. After he came ashore and they got the pontoons un-strapped from his bike they had to get the poor chap something to much on, because all he could say was..."YOU BLOKES GOT ANYTHING TO EAT?"
Subject: GREAT MOTORCYCLE QUOTES AND WISDOM Four wheels move the body. Two wheels move the soul. Most motorcycle problems are caused by the nut that connects the handlebars to the saddle. Life may begin at 30, but it doesn't get real interesting until about 110 mph! You start the game of life with a full pot o' luck and an empty pot o' experience... The object iso fill the pot of experience before you empty the pot of luck. If you wait, all that happens is that you get older. Midnight bugs taste best. Saddlebags can never hold everything you want, but they CAN hold everything you need. Never try to race an old geezer, he may have one more gear than you. It takes more love to share the saddle than it does to share the bed. The only good view of a thunderstorm is in your rear view mirror. Don't ride so late into the night that you sleep through the sunrise. Sometimes it takes a whole tankful of fuel before you can think straight. Riding faster than everyone else only guarantees you'll ride alone. Never hesitate to ride past the last street light at the edge of town. Never do less than fifty miles before breakfast. If you don't ride in the rain, you don't ride. A bike on the road is worth two in the shed. Respect the person who has seen the dark side of motorcycling and lived. Young riders pick a destination and go... Old riders pick a direction and go. A good mechanic will let you watch without charging you for it. Always back your bike into the curb, and sit where you can see it. Work to ride & ride to work. Whatever it is, it's better in the wind. Two-lane blacktop isn't a highway - it's an attitude. When you look down the road, it seems to never end - but you better believe it does. Winter is Nature's way of telling you to polish. Keep your bike in good repair: Motorcycle boots are NOT comfortable for walking. People are like Motorcycles: each is customized a bit differently. Sometimes, the best communication happens when you're on separate bikes. Good coffee should be indistinguishable from 50 weight motor oil. The best alarm clock is sunshine on chrome. The twisties - not the super slabs -separate the riders from the squids. When you're riding lead, don't spit. Catching a yellow jacket in your shirt @ 70 mph can double your vocabulary. There's something ugly about a NEW bike on a trailer. Practice wrenching on your own bike. Everyone crashes. Some get back on. Some don't. Some can't. Don't argue with an 18-wheeler. Never be ashamed to unlearn an old habit. A good long ride can clear your mind and restore your faith. If you can't get it going with bungee cords and electrician's tape, it's serious. If you ride like there's no tomorrow, there won't be. Bikes parked out front mean good chicken-fried steak inside. Gray-haired riders don't get that way from pure luck. There are drunk riders. There are old riders. There are NO old, drunk riders. Thin leather looks good in the bar, but it won't save your butt from road rash" if you go down. The best modifications cannot be seen from the outside. Always replace the cheapest parts first. You can forget what you do for a living when your knees are in the breeze. Patience is the ability to keep your motor idling. Only a Biker knows why a dog sticks his head out of a car window. Never ride faster than your guardian angel can fly. It is good to have an end to journey towards; but it is the journey that matters in the end. Ride as if your life depended on it.
WHAT’Z UP? The other day I decided to crank up my Harley and take a little ride. As I puttered along enjoying the view of the sunset something else caught my eye. From out of nowhere a big bird flew into my path and before I could react…BAM…it hit my crash bar and then bounced off the gas tank. I stopped immediately and examined the damage and went back down the side of the road to see what happen to the dum-ass bird.
It was a real colorful bird laying unconscious but surprisingly his heart was still beating 90 to nothing. I cradled him in my hands and carefully laid him inside my saddlebag and took the dazed critter home. Then I put him inside an old birdcage, wondering if there was any chance he my live. After all a bird that pretty must belong to someone that would love to get him back. The next morning while fixing coffee I peaked around the corner just as that crazy bird revived. He jumped to his feet and shuttered a bit. Then he looked around and saw all those bars surrounding him and said…”Oh my god – I must have killed that biker last might!” Har har…JQ
WHO NEEDS A TRUCK????
We found some of his "alleged" reports. It is clear he had no great affection for cryptic complaints.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough. D: DME volume set to more believable level. D: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode. D: Took hammer away from midget |
Bird Flu hits Florida Trailer Park
A filthy rich North Carolina man decided he
wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors. He also
invited Leroy, the only redneck in the neighborhood. He held the party around
the pool in the backyard of his mansion. Leroy was having a good time
drinking, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters and BBQ and flirting with all the
women.
At the height of the party, the host said, "I have a 10ft man-eating gator in
my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the nerve to jump
in.
The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and
everyone turned around and saw Leroy in the pool. Leroy was fighting the gator
and kicking its ass! Leroy was jabbing the gator in the eyes with his
thumbs, throwing punches, head butts and chokeholds, biting the gator on the
tail and flipping the gator through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor.
The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Leroy and the gator were
screaming and raising hell. Finally Leroy strangled the gator and let it float
to the top like a dime store goldfish.
Leroy then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him
in disbelief.
Finally the host says, "Well, Leroy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars."
"No, that's okay. I don't want it," said Leroy.
The rich man said, "Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet. How
about half a million bucks then?"
"No thanks. I don't want it," answered Leroy.
The host said, "Come on, I insist on giving you something.That was amazing.
How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?"
Again Leroy said no.
Confused, the rich man asked, "Well, Leroy, then what do you want?"
Leroy said, "I want the name of the sumbitch who pushed me in the pool!!!!”
The Peace Plan
NO HELMET
A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits
down at the
bar and orders a drink. Looking around, he sees 3 men sitting at a
corner table.
He Gets up, staggers to the table, leans
over, looks at
the biggest, meanest one in the face and says,
"I
went by your grandma's
house today and I saw her in the hallway buck naked. Man,
she
is a fine looking woman!"
The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His
buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker, and would fight at the
drop of a hat.
The drunk leans on the table again and says, "I got it on with your
grandma and she is good - the best I ever had!"
The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad,
but the biker still says nothing.
The drunk leans on the table one more time and says,
I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!"
At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by
the shoulders and says
"Grandpa,
you're drunk....... Go home!"
Marty wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces
himself to open his
eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of
water on the side table. He sits down and sees his clothing in front of
him, all clean and pressed. Marty looks around the room and sees that it is
in perfect order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes
the aspirins and notices a note on the table "Honey, breakfast is on the
stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you."
So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the
morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Marty asks, "Son,
what happened last night?" His son says, "Well, you came home after 3
A.M., drunk and delirious. Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway,
and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door."
Confused, Marty asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and
breakfast is on the table waiting for me?" His son replies, "Oh that! Mom
dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you
said, "Lady, leave me alone, I'm married!"
A self-induced hangover - $100.00
Broken furniture - $200.00
Breakfast - $10.00
Saying the right thing - priceless
Submitted By Tonya.
“A BIKER DRINKING STORY”
Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a biker bar. Late in the evening the officer noticed a drunken biker leaving the bar so drunk that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes as the officer quietly observed from a distance.
After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys in five different motorcycles, the man finally managed to find his own.
He sat on it for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar, cranked up their bikes and took off. The policeman continued to observe.
Finally the drunk tried to kick start his bike and damn near fell off.
Eventually he got it started, turned on his hazard lights, hit the horn a few times, popped it into gear and did a little rooster tail before getting it stopped again. He remained stationary for a few minutes longer, as several more patrons left on their bikes.
At last the drunk turned his hazard lights off, his head light on,
Slowly pulled out of the parking lot and started riding carefully down the street.
The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing red and blue lights, and promptly pulled the biker over. He insisted the biker take a breathalyzer test, but to his amazement the breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having consumed any alcohol at all!
Dumfounded, the officer said, “I’ll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken.”
“I doubt it,” said the biker. “Tonight I’m the DESIGNATED DECOY.”
contributed by `POCAHONTAS.'
The Buffalo Theory............ According to Cliff on Cheers
as told to his Buddy Norm.
"Well you see, Norm it's like this... a herd of Buffalo can
only move as
fast as the slowest Buffalo. And When the herd is hunted, it is the
slowest and weakest ones that are killed first. This natural selection is
good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of
the group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.
In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the
slowest brain cells. Now, as we all know, excessive intake of alcohol
kills brain cells. Naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain
cells first! In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the
weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.
And that, Norm, is why you always feel smarter after a few beers.
Submitted by Lori.
The other day I was standing at the parts counter in Full
Boar when a duck waddled in and came to the counter. I asked him if I could
help him and he asked if we had Harley Davidson condoms? I said yes we do and
they are $29 bucks a pack. He said he would like to have a pack. I asked him
if that would be cash, check, or charge? He said, "If you don't mind, would
you put them on my bill."
Gene Long
On a tour of Idaho, the Pope took a couple of days off to
visit the
mountains for some sightseeing. He was cruising along the campground in
the pope-mobile when there was a frantic commotion just at the edge of the
woods. A helpless man, wearing sandals, hawaiian shorts, a
save-the-whales tee shirt and a tree- hugger hat was struggling frantically
thrashing
around trying to free himself from the jaws of a 10 foot grizzly.
As the pope watched horrified, a group of bikers came racing
up wearing leather. One
ran up and quickly fired a 44 mag into the bear's chest. The other two
reached out and pulled the bleeding semiconscious man from the bear. Then using
long clubs, the three bikers beat the bear to death and hauled it to their
truck. Immediately the Pope shouted and summoned them to come over.
"I give you my blessing for your brave actions," ! he told
them. "I heard that there
was some bitter hatred between bikers and wacko environmental activists, But
now I have seen with my own eyes that this is not true".
As the Pope drove off, one biker asked his buddies "Who was that"?
"It was the Pope," one replied. "He is in direct contact with
God and has access to all of God's
wisdom".
"Well," the biker said, "he may have access to God's wisdom,
but he sure
doesn't know anything about bear hunting. By the way, is the bait
holding up O.K., or do we need to grab another one"?
"SUBMITTED BY TONYA - CH 39".
Sept.
1. My
husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he
was God and I didn't.
2. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every
minute of it.
3. I work hard because millions on welfare depend
on me.
4. Some people are alive only because it's illegal
to kill them.
5. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
6. Don't take life too seriously; no one gets out
alive.
7. You're just jealous because the voices only talk
to me.
8. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
9. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
10. Quoting one is plagiarism; quoting many is
research.
11. I'm not a complete idiot -- some parts are
missing.
12. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
13. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy,
why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning
medicine.
14. God must love stupid people; he made so many.
15. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
16. It IS as BAD as you think and they ARE out to
get you.
17. Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
18. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
19. MOP AND GLOW - Floor wax used by Three Mile
Island cleanup crew.
20. Being "over the hill" is much better than being
under it.
21. Wrinkled was not one of the things I wanted to
be when I grew up.
22. Procrastinate Now!
23. My dog can lick anyone!
24. I have a degree in liberal arts; do you want
fries with that?
25. FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION. It comes bundled with
the software.
26. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
27. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a
cash advance.
28. STUPIDITY IS NOT A HANDICAP. Park elsewhere!
29. They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was
already taken.
30. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless
dead.
31. A PICTURE IS WORTH A THOUSAND WORDS, but it
uses up three thousand
times the memory on your computer.
32. HAM AND EGGS -- A day's work for a chicken, a
lifetime commitment
for a pig.
33. The trouble with life is there's no background
music.
August 2003
Around midnight the Bowie Texas Boozefighter Clubhouse ("THE OUTHOUSE CHAPTER") was winding down. One old biker on one end of the bar gazed at another old biker at the other end and finally blurted out. "Ain`t I seen you somewhere before? You look kind`a familiar." The other guy responded, "you know - I`z thinking the same thing about you. Where do you live anyhow?" First guy replied, "been living right here in Bowie since I`z born. Went to school here, played right end on the high school football team back in the 60`s, and we went on to win District Championship." Second guy states, "talk about coincidences I too played football at high school here. I played left end and our team won District Championship also back in the 60`s."
About that time the phone rang and `Crash' answered it. After listening a few seconds he says, "naw `Squat' we ain`t very busy at all. There's no one here but the Johnson twins. And I'm about ready to kick them out cause they're so damn drunk they hardly recognize each other !"
One Old Boozefighter on a camp out told the others before he passed out, "you all be sure and wake me in the morning before it gets too hot." About 3 AM they poured gas on the ground in a big circle all the way around the drunk and his bike. Then they lit it and as the fire surrounded him they all hollered out..."WAKE UP WALT - IT'S BEGINNING TO GET HOT !"
July 2003
Jokes, Sayings and such...
The philosophy of the Boozefighters is important, classes are sometimes given.
Wizzard stood before the latest prospects class and had some items in front
of him. When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a very large and empty
mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the
prospects if the jar was full? They agreed that it was.
So Wizzard then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He
shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf
balls. He then asked the prospects again if the jar was full. They agreed it
was.
Wizzard next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course,
the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full. The
prospects responded with an unanimous "yes."
Wizzard then produced two cans of beer from under the table and poured the
entire contents into the jar, effectively filling the empty space between the
sand. The prospects laughed.
"Now," said Wizzard, as the laughter subsided, "I want you to recognize that
this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things--your
family, your health, your children, your job, your friends, your favorite
passions--things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your
life would still be full. "The pebbles are
the other things that matter like your job, your house, your car. The sand is
everything else--the small stuff.
If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued, "there is no room for
the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your
time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that
are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your
happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your
partner out to dinner. Play another 18. There will always be time to clean the
club house, and fix the disposal. "Take care of the golf balls first, the things
that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."
One of the students raised his hand and inquired what the beer represented.
That's all for now folks. But if you come up with some good jokes, sayings, or other forms of semi-clean humor e-mail them to me. I`ll even post your name if you want to.
JQ - `HISTORY'
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Many pilots fill out a form called a "gripe sheet,"
which tells